The GULLY | U.S. | Election 2000: Thank God It's Over

NOVEMBER 7, 2000. There is no American politics, just religion. Candidates wrestle for your soul, not your vote. A politician can't just do a good job, they have to be good. And good voters vote for good candidates.

Which is why Gore attempted to trump Bush's born-again goodness with Lieberman's showy orthodox Jewishness, both candidates assaulted us with endless cloying photos of them swaying in black churches or kneeling with Billy Graham, and Nader got such mileage from his moral high ground.

And the only way to convert the masses to believe in your goodness, and not someone else's, is to pander like hell.

Angels
This year, the Greens take the moralistic cake. If I'd filled a baggie every time I've heard Nader was the only honest, good, and non-pandering candidate, I could clog the Cincinnati sewer system. Did no one else notice the inexplicably sudden inclusion in the Green platform of reparations to the descendants of slaves?

Throw a few dollars at it, and racism melts like ice cream on an August sidewalk. Likewise, slapping what's-her-name on the ticket was equally convincing proof the skinny white dude's also a feminist who loves the little brown, black, and yellow people.

Republicans ran a close second with that extravaganza of inclusive pandermania called The Republican Convention. The camera caressed the three and a half black and brown faces, as shocking in that sea of white as little stigmatas. Oh, Colin Powell I love your smooth, barely mocha, skin. Even the most die-hard homophobes gave out that old "love the sinner hate the sin" rigmarole, and queer conservatives ate it up.

Every day, Bush [seen here with Rev. Graham, left] puts on his kindly, rehabbed face as he signs another order of execution. Every day, he extols the importance of leaving a clean environment for our grandchildren as Texas chokes on smog, and ain't that Arctic Reserve a tasty morsel for the oil companies. But next to the dowdy damaged Democrats, even Ralph and George look good.

Devils
Clinton screwed around and lied about it, though the Republicans voyeuristically obsessed on it. In the race of promise-keepers, the Democrats also have more obvious failures. Queers, for example, were promised civil rights, but got shafted with Clinton's "don't ask, don't tell" military policy, and his support for the Defense of Marriage Act giving special rights to heterosexuals.

That is the nature of the beast. The longer anyone is in office, the more inevitably dirtied they are. You don't reach power and hold it without compromises, at least in a democracy. If you want political purity, look to activists and dictators. For human purity, look to the grave. You won't get it on Earth. In fact, the evil side-effect of demanding it, is that you force American politicians to be the most hypocritical in this world, and the next. Which they undoubtedly are.

Thank God it's over. You got my soul. Happy? Now, let's Party!