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Oh for the good old days, when good was good, the Russians were evil, and dykes were all diesel.

Related Gully Coverage

Iran: Press, Pop, Big Oil
Newspaper closings and pop divas.

oil change

I Want to Be a CIA Oil Puppet

by Chuck 45

AUGUST 22, 2000. No one believes I have the Second Sight. I can't control it. It comes at weird moments like when I've finished my cereal and there's a half inch of milk in the bowl. It starts to change color and show images, and that's when I see the future.

Yesterday, I was fishing out my last heavily sugared puffed grain (we don't endorse products here at The Gully) when it happened. The milk began to churn and bubble, but then it became dark and thick. It was oil. I saw it everywhere, as gasoline in every car, Tupperware in every home, and oil shares in every P. and V.P. candidates' portfolio—and not just the Republicans. I even saw it being pumped through a few million currently pristine acres of the Alaskan Arctic Preserve.

Let me say right now, I have no bone to pick with anybody, especially Bush and Cheney. I love their old fart network. After all, my cereal bowl tells me that the two will no doubt get the Cuban Embargo lifted—which will land Cuba in a good position to put their doctor surplus to work in spa/abortion clinics 'cause even without psychic powers you know there won't be any here after they get elected, except maybe in rape cases. I expect rape statistics to sky-rocket among the land-bound Greyhound crowd.

It'll be a flashback to the good old days, when good was good, the Russians were evil, gays were limp-wristed homo hairdressers, and the dykes were all diesel. The only difference now is that Old Cheney goes fishing with his tastefully mute queer daughter, Mary. You know the one, the formerly loquacious gay and lesbian apologist for Coors Beer, and their anti-Commie, anti-choice, right-wing, gay-hating, Nicaragua terrorist funding owners.

And as to the critics of the Smithsonian-censoring Ma Lynne Cheney who accuse her of being unable to say the word l-e-s-b-i-a-n, I say, lay off. My bowl tells me she's been practicing the much more stylish refrain, dyke dyke dyke dyke dyke, to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy, and is scheduled to appear with Mary at a Greenwich Village bar in November with the Log Cabin chorus who were also seen and not heard at the Republican convention.

Yep, the Republicans really give the Dems a run for their money when it comes to diversity. Take Bush's black female national insecurity advisor, the Evil Empire specialist, the Iron Lady from Alabama, Condoleezza Rice. The woman makes those doddering old white Cold Warriors seem positively red, no compromises, minimizing strategic alliances with foreign nations, especially Russia. I can't wait. I've always wanted to have a shot at the fifties.

oil changeWho cares that there's no Evil Empire anymore (that tattered old thing), no Cuban missiles to have a crisis over, we'll come up with something. I vote for Venezuela. They've got something we like (oil), held by somebody we don't (that nose-thumbing, populist, Saddam-loving Chavez), and they're conveniently near by. All we need is a puppet, a little Venezuelan Shah for the CIA to prop up. If no one volunteers to be it, I will, all strings attached. Just have your girl call mine. We'll do lunch.

Related links:

For info about Al's oil stocks go to CNN's Ten arrested in protest at Democratic Convention.

For info on Dick's oil rich retirement package go to CNN's Cheney gets "golden parachute" from Halliburton Co.

For the dirt about Ma Cheney's Smithsonian victims check out Mike Wallace's The Battle of the Enola Gay. Cheney appears toward the end.

To see Miss Mary in action check out The Village Voice's The GLAAD Hand of Coors.

For Complete Coverage Gay Mundo

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